This one's for Macy : FSGS Sucks

Macy is this adorable little girl who has FSGS.  She had a kidney donated to her by a family friend and the transplant took place on June 29, 2011 in Chicago.

Please understand that a transplant is not a CURE.  It's another treatment.  And I say this because, and it seems especially so in the case of these kids, that their battle is daily.  It's constant.  It's mom's measuring the amount of water their kids drink every day to make sure they don't drink too much (dialysis) or drink enough (transplant).  It's constantly switching gears, fighting bugs/viruses.  

I bitch a lot, but I still consider myself lucky because I'm stable.  But today, Macy was admitted to the hospital in Denver (where they live) because her creatinine (a measure of kidney function) jumped up (and up is not good).  Hopefully it's dehydration and they can give her fluids and she can be on her way.

I'm just asking people that read this to take a moment and send out a prayer/good vibe/positive energy towards this adorable little girl.  

And if you read this Kelly,  I hope you don't mind but I "borrowed" this photo from your CaringBridge website.  I think it's so important to put a face with every name...

I need to meditate : FSGS Sucks

...because I'm feeling completely out of control.

This is not a cry for help, so please don't take it that way.  I fully understand what is happening, but I need to write about it.

I think I've said it before, but I'll say it again.  To say that I'm busy is such a wild understatement.  I feel as though I only have the ability to focus on any one thing for about 5 minutes.  That's not an exaggeration....just fact.

Driving is hard.  My mind is always wandering.  I'm supposed to be working at home.  I'm not doing such a great job at that either.  I sit down in front of the computer to get started, and then 2 hours later go by and I've done nothing.  I read the same paragraphs over and over and over.

I know they say meditation helps, and I'm going to try.  I'm positive my friend Holly would be crying out "Hallelujah" right now reading that sentence :)  I'm still working out, although even now, being home a lot, I still feel like I'm trying to squeeze that in.  And even when I start working out again, the good feelings only last so long because quickly the guilt creeps in because I'm not working out enough.  I stay up too later because it's the only quiet time, and then I take a Xanax (because we switched my happy pill meds for my IBS) at night, and I swear I could sleep a solid 12 hours a day and feel minimally rested.  And if you can't tell, I'm REALLY hard on myself..by far the worst critic I'll ever have.

I need to feel centered.  I need to take a deep breath.  I need space to stretch out because I feel like my limbs are constricted.  Even having all this time at home hasn't helped because every single freaking day there's some kind of commitment that I have.  Some phone call I HAVE to make, some errand I HAVE to run, some paperwork I FORGOT to complete, some appointment I HAVE to go to....it's never fucking ending.

I NEED a break.  I NEED all of this move business/instability to end.

It's not as easy to recover : FSGS Sucks

....from a night out with the girls.

For those of you that don't know where I'm from, I live in Indianapolis.  And unless you live under a rock, you know that my city hosted the Super Bowl on Sunday.  Annnnnd with the game comes along a host of seriously fun activities.

So my girls and I decided to brave the masses (and I do mean MASSES) on Friday night and have a night out on the town.  I was out for 8 hours, and had a total of 4 drinks, and a 36 hour hangover.

I soooo wish I was kidding.  I got home at around 4:30am....yes...AM.  We went out to eat...went dancing...we had a FANTASTIC time.  I seriously can't remember the last time I laughed that much...seriously.  But I had to get up at 9am because we were having a surprise party for my Grandma about 2 hours away, and I was responsible for the entrees and the cake so I HAD to get up and go.

I made it through Grandma's party and we actually stayed a lot longer than I thought we would.  My colon, of course, was pissed off.  It could've also been that damn Red Bull...apparently 37 year-olds can't drink those anymore :)  Who knew?

THANK GOODNESS Izzy was staying with Grandma and Grandpa.  I got home, laid on the sofa with my heating pad and fell asleep.  I was in bed by 9:30pm..asleep by 11pm, and slept till noon the next day.  I DID feel better, thankfully, when I woke up.

Holy hell.  I was never drunk....but that was the worst hangover I've had in a long time.  I CLEARLY cannot go out and pretend that I'm something I no longer am...it's a sobering reminder.  But I'll always have THAT night to remember, and that's enough  for me for now :)