And so it was a sleeping pill : FSGS Sucks

That FINALLY did the trick. My doctor at Mayo prescribed Ativan.
I'll admit that I was terrified to take it. For some reason, injecting myself with meds is more appealing than sleeping pills. That's a slippery slope. And it's one that Joacim has totally stepped up to.
He took a discretionary day today to stay home with me so he'd be here when I woke up. He's hidden the pills so that I only use them for when it's absolutely necessary. I don't really feel as though I need this monitoring, but I'm sure no addict did either, and I don't want to become one of those.
I'm still all loopy in my brain from all of the uppers and downers yesterday, but it's slowly starting to clear up. I've decided to stop taking the Cellcept (and I'll of course speak with my doctor) but that drug is just too much for me. We don't agree, and I don't have time to afford losing literally days a week trying to recover from a bad spell. There's absolutely no quality of life for me or those around me when that bout of insomnia and mania hit.

I just want to remember : FSGS Sucks

...how awful I feel right now.  That's why there are these random, disjointed posts.  Because that's exactly how my brain feels.

And my body aches...I feel like I've been beaten...this is no exaggeration...like deep-bruise pain across my upper back and along my spine.  My knees are KILLING me.  Okay...that is all.

Seems ironic now, doesn't it? : FSGS Sucks

I saw this on Facebook the other day and I got such a kick out of it....seems awfully ironic right now that kidney disease is kicking this chick's ass.

I made it at work until 2:00pm.  I just couldn't do it anymore.  I got home, took a hot lavender bath in my awesome new tub and listened to some Florence + The Machine.  I'm lying in bed now, praying for sleep.  I took some cough syrup, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it does the trick.

I'm so...so...numb.  I feel like I'm buzzing...like I can feel all of the cells in my body colliding.  I could also be hyped up on so much shit right now that I couldn't walk a line if my life depended on it.  It's amazing how fast ones basic faculties completely fall apart without sleep.  Like typing.  I'm pretty freaking fast usually, but today it's like peck and poke.  I can't have conversations...I tried to leave a voicemail today and just had to hang up because I couldn't get the words out, and I have no idea who it was I was calling.  Holy shit...when they say that confusion is one of the side effects, they weren't joking.

Another sleepless night : FSGS Sucks

Gawd...I feel like shit.  Please somebody put me out of my misery.

I tried to sleep.  I REALLY tried.  I was hungry, but went to bed anyway because I knew I had to work today.  I lie in bed and watched one episode of Bones...and when it was over I still wasn't tired enough to sleep, so I watched another.  At this point, it was 11:45pm, and nary a yawn.

But I was determined.

And I got my ass kicked.

My mind....forever racing.  Izzy up at some point...freaking out (maybe sleepwalking even).  She came in to our room, started crying about her blankie, so I got up to go to her room only to not find it and realize she already had it in bed.  And then she wouldn't go back to sleep.  Like her Mamma.  And then she had to go potttttttttttty.  And then I got annoyed.  And then she had to go potty again....10 freaking minutes later.  And then I got angry as Joacim slept blissfully ignorant of the hell I was living.

Finally, I took a swig of my hydrocodone cough syrup as a desperate measure, thinking it was around 2:30am or so and 3 hours of sleep were better than none.  Sadly, it wasn't 2:30am....but rather 4:30am....and I was STILL wide awake.  Watched more Bones.  Alarm went off.  Freaked out.  Made an omelet (the only good part of the day still).  Showered in an attempt to mask my physical state.

And now I sit here, in a fog of confusion, sleep deprivation, physical discomfort and a general all-around feeling of being utterly, completely, hopelessly miserable.

I sent an email to my doctor to update him...here's hoping he prescribes something quickly.