I'm coining a new phrase today (maybe it's not new...I haven't consulted the Google yet) and it's called "mental itchiness". I think it's a good phrase for the excessive rambling I'm about to do, but hoping it's therapeutic.
It's a typical Friday night here, full of a whole hell of a lot of nothing. Yes, I'm terribly, terribly bored and excessively cranky for a Friday.
I went to happy hour hot vinyasa tonight, which I do every Friday night. There weren't very many people there, which was a nice change of pace from the typically full class, so I had plenty of room for poses, but for some reason tonight I felt like a clumsy elephant trying to balance on a beam. I've realized lately that I get a much better workout, and feel better about myself in general, when I do workouts earlier in the day. By the end of a work day, I'm usually pretty tired mentally from the incessant amount of talking I do (no snarky comments here, peanut gallery :), and I'm pretty swollen from all of the sitting I'm doing. Swollen legs and bellies do not lend themselves to grace and yoga, and it was evident today. I felt like my whole center of gravity was off, and I admit that I kept getting frustrated in myself (which is the antithesis of yoga). I finished the class and got a decent workout, but I felt mentally defeated.
I beat up on myself a lot in my head, more so than anyone knows. I don't know if I realized how deeply ingrained ideas of beauty and attractiveness are in me. I mean, I thought I did after prednisone, and then after having Izzy, but I continue to beat myself up daily over how I look. And I can tell myself to take it easy on myself because of what I go through daily, but I never do. I mean, seriously.....what the hell happened in my brain that I just can't accept what is, or better yet, even have any awareness that I'm any less than I think I should be? Does that make any sense?
Ugh....so frustrated today. I hate disconnecting. I hate connecting. I hate dealing with Baxter. I hate having to figure out what the hell to do with the catheter sometimes I just hate it all today. I hate that I feel like it totally limits me yet I chose this option for the flexibility. What am I missing here? Why can't I make this work better? I'm not the only person on dialysis who works and is married and has children.
I may just be especially whiney about it right now because I'm seriously bored out of my f-ing mind. It's not all the fault of dialysis, of course, but it (and everything that led up to it) played a part. I slowly took myself out of social circles (not by choice, of course) and life moved on without me, with the result being that I spend every night at home. I'm grateful that I have a family and a home, but too much togetherness is, well, too much. I feel like I'm in this suspended animation, and I'm just waiting for the page to turn. I clearly need to get the hell out of here tomorrow....maybe a trip to the museum or something. Can I blame all of this mental "itchiness" on winter in Minnesota?
Friday, February 27, 2015
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