Friday, February 27, 2015

Mental itchiness

I'm coining a new phrase today (maybe it's not new...I haven't consulted the Google yet) and it's called "mental itchiness".  I think it's a good phrase for the excessive rambling I'm about to do, but hoping it's therapeutic.

It's a typical Friday night here, full of a whole hell of a lot of nothing.  Yes, I'm terribly, terribly bored and excessively cranky for a Friday.

I went to happy hour hot vinyasa tonight, which I do every Friday night.  There weren't very many people there, which was a nice change of pace from the typically full class, so I had plenty of room for poses, but for some reason tonight I felt like a clumsy elephant trying to balance on a beam.  I've realized lately that I get a much better workout, and feel better about myself in general, when I do workouts earlier in the day.  By the end of a work day, I'm usually pretty tired mentally from the incessant amount of talking I do (no snarky comments here, peanut gallery :), and I'm pretty swollen from all of the sitting I'm doing.  Swollen legs and bellies do not lend themselves to grace and yoga, and it was evident today.  I felt like my whole center of gravity was off, and I admit that I kept getting frustrated in myself (which is the antithesis of yoga).  I finished the class and got a decent workout, but I felt mentally defeated.

I beat up on myself a lot in my head, more so than anyone knows.  I don't know if I realized how deeply ingrained ideas of beauty and attractiveness are in me.  I mean, I thought I did after prednisone, and then after having Izzy, but I continue to beat myself up daily over how I look.  And I can tell myself to take it easy on myself because of what I go through daily, but I never do.  I mean, seriously.....what the hell happened in my brain that I just can't accept what is, or better yet, even have any awareness that I'm any less than I think I should be?  Does that make any sense?

Ugh....so frustrated today.  I hate disconnecting.  I hate connecting.  I hate dealing with Baxter.  I hate having to figure out what the hell to do with the catheter sometimes  I just hate it all today.  I hate that I feel like it totally limits me yet I chose this option for the flexibility.  What am I missing here?  Why can't I make this work better?  I'm not the only person on dialysis who works and is married and has children.

I may just be especially whiney about it right now because I'm seriously bored out of my f-ing mind.  It's not all the fault of dialysis, of course, but it (and everything that led up to it) played a part.  I slowly took myself out of social circles (not by choice, of course) and life moved on without me, with the result being that I spend every night at home.  I'm grateful that I have a family and a home, but too much togetherness is, well, too much.  I feel like I'm in this suspended animation, and I'm just waiting for the page to turn.  I clearly need to get the hell out of here tomorrow....maybe a trip to the museum or something.  Can I blame all of this mental "itchiness" on winter in Minnesota?

Transplant / Living Donor Info for me (edited)

I wish I would've had this post ready because I had so many people reach out to me after the last one that wanted to share my info.  I&#...