I wish I was referring to a type of music, yet I'm not.
I'm down in the dumps. Feeling blue. Anxious. Below the line. Drowning in my own sorrow. Wallowing in pity.
I think you get the idea.
Yet I have no idea what to do about it.
I took a vacation day to hang out with Izzy since she's starting kindergarten tomorrow, and I feel like I let her down. You see, I had a GREAT win at work today....I was feeling really great, but it's amazing how one conversation can completely ruin it all. I won't go into details...needless to say I was completely distracted after that. I made Izzy wait for me to finish working (on our day off), and then spent the rest of the day ruminating about said conversation. And she was so very patient with me...such a sweetie, really.
I wish I had that magic switch to just turn things like this off, but I'm apparently short on those parts. This shit GETS to me...I mean REALLY gets to me.
I'm having horrible body self-image issues right now...the only good thing about summer coming to a close is that I can wrap myself up in sweaters again to hide it all. I know...I know...I have health issues, but that doesn't make me any happier or Ok with the way I look. I KNOW that I need to work out more, yet I'm tired. Stupid tired. I do eat pretty well, but there's always room for improvement, but that takes time, and planning, and hence we're back at "tired".
I hate that word now....TIRED. Absolutely hate it.
Apparently, my neighbor overheard Izzy singing a little song...it went something like this:
"I'm fat....I'm fat"....
Yeah, I apparently suck at parenting in this regard as well. I'm on my way to raising a daughter that's as worried about this shit as I am, and I KNOW I don't want that for her. I absolutely MUST stop bashing myself in front of her, but I know I'll still do it internally. Can a therapist fix that? Can a therapist ever make me feel OK with myself?
I have no point in this post, really. I just have a horrible knot in my stomach and a tightness in my chest right now, and I thought that if I wrote this out, that I would feel better and be able to sleep. Fingers crossed that it works.
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Fingers crossed it worked.. :) You're a great mother and today just was a bad day... but you will get through this and you will see the light at the other end of the clouds. It will be ok- you will see. :)
ReplyDeleteI so identify with the being tired of being tired! And feel so guilty taking time off from work.
ReplyDeleteHope you are feeling better by now and that Izzy is enjoying kindergarten.
I recently went through ur blog while searching info about FSGS. My younger brother is having this condition. I hope you get well soon.
ReplyDeleteHi Cameron....I can't directly reply to your comment via email, so I thought I'd do it here. I think you're on Google + too...
ReplyDeletei was recently diognosed with fsgs. this blog really got to me. This exactly how i feel. I just don't know what to think, how to feel, what to do. and i don't want to take any medicine. I was diognosed in the beg of jan and i keep putting the date off. im really sad and angry about this................
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