Do you have a brother or a sister?

Do you have any idea how many times I've heard someone ask Izzy this very question?

I know they're doing it in order to engage in conversation with her....it's a seemingly benign question. Unless you're someone in my shoes.  And then it's a knife to the heart every single time.

Izzy answers "no", but then I feel like I get "the look".  The look that asks, "Why don't you have another?  Look how adorable your daughter is?  Don't you want more?  Don't you want to give her a sibling?"

And I just want to scream YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes I just let it go.  Sometimes I lie and say, "She's got the personality of 2!"  And sometimes I feel the need to explain and justify the reason Izzy's solo.

It just hurts.  I think it hurts Izzy.  There is no healing this wound.  It will be open for the rest of my life.

These are the deep thoughts I have as I sit here at Mayo, getting infusion #5 of abatacept.  I have no idea if it's working.  I had a random urine done the other day, but somehow it got lost and I never got the results.  I'm figuring it's Fate's way of telling me to be patient.

I also have a bunch of rambling thoughts.  Por ejemplo:

It's been a rough couple of weeks.  I've weaned off of one of my anxiety meds, and I'm now an anxious mess.  I cried in my car the other morning because Starbucks didn't have my breakfast sandwich.  I'm having the IUD surgery on Thursday, and I'm a bit nervous.  Every morning this week is an early morning (yesterday I had a 7:30am meeting on the other side of town during a winter storm warning, today it was Mayo [which I was late for because of traffic], tomorrow I'll be in the car for 9 hours on sales calls).  I won't even get any rest on Friday as I have 2 conference calls scheduled that I MUST attend.

I know that there are some people that understand all of the things that I'm juggling.  I just wish everyone had a chance to live a day in my shoes, to be pulled in 10 different directions all at the same time, to sometimes feel like the least important person in the room (at the most under-appreciated), to constantly analyze whether or not I'm doing enough to shelter my family from the impacts of my illness.  I know that I'm sucking in the family area right now, but I know I need to focus on me.  I just hope Izzy forgets about this period, or is still too young to remember it.