Do you have any idea how many times I've heard someone ask Izzy this very question?
I know they're doing it in order to engage in conversation with her....it's a seemingly benign question. Unless you're someone in my shoes. And then it's a knife to the heart every single time.
Izzy answers "no", but then I feel like I get "the look". The look that asks, "Why don't you have another? Look how adorable your daughter is? Don't you want more? Don't you want to give her a sibling?"
And I just want to scream YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sometimes I just let it go. Sometimes I lie and say, "She's got the personality of 2!" And sometimes I feel the need to explain and justify the reason Izzy's solo.
It just hurts. I think it hurts Izzy. There is no healing this wound. It will be open for the rest of my life.
These are the deep thoughts I have as I sit here at Mayo, getting infusion #5 of abatacept. I have no idea if it's working. I had a random urine done the other day, but somehow it got lost and I never got the results. I'm figuring it's Fate's way of telling me to be patient.
I also have a bunch of rambling thoughts. Por ejemplo:
It's been a rough couple of weeks. I've weaned off of one of my anxiety meds, and I'm now an anxious mess. I cried in my car the other morning because Starbucks didn't have my breakfast sandwich. I'm having the IUD surgery on Thursday, and I'm a bit nervous. Every morning this week is an early morning (yesterday I had a 7:30am meeting on the other side of town during a winter storm warning, today it was Mayo [which I was late for because of traffic], tomorrow I'll be in the car for 9 hours on sales calls). I won't even get any rest on Friday as I have 2 conference calls scheduled that I MUST attend.
I know that there are some people that understand all of the things that I'm juggling. I just wish everyone had a chance to live a day in my shoes, to be pulled in 10 different directions all at the same time, to sometimes feel like the least important person in the room (at the most under-appreciated), to constantly analyze whether or not I'm doing enough to shelter my family from the impacts of my illness. I know that I'm sucking in the family area right now, but I know I need to focus on me. I just hope Izzy forgets about this period, or is still too young to remember it.
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Transplant / Living Donor Info for me (edited)
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Jenn, I hope in that list of 10 items, you put yourself somewhere.
ReplyDeleteSending lots of love to you. Emotional pain caused by things other people say is hard to swallow when you know their intentions aren't ugly. It's just the way it is. I wish it were different for you! And for Izzy!
ReplyDeleteI'm new to this blogging world and looking for kindred spirits at least on some levels. Thinking I've found one here. I donated a kidney many years ago and have not been able to conceive since. Now I'm old (in baby-making years, that is). Letting go of the desire to have more babies because of the reality that my body simply won't do it has been a tough one. Best wishes to you.
ReplyDeleteHello, Kind wishes to you. Izzy is at the age she can understand. She will forgive you because she loves you and she understands that you are sick.
ReplyDeleteExplain to her with words appropriate for her developmental age (if she is a gifted child while emotionally delayed, adjust accordingly).
Easier said than done, but don't trap yourself into guilt because it brings you nowhere.
I found this page that can help you : https://www.kidney.org/atoz/content/questionschildren.cfm
It is especially written for helping parents to explain kidney failure to children.
However, I really love this frame to explain other kind of illness to children.
Of course, adjust this frame to Izzy.
Many people ask me constantly "Why don't you want to have children ?". I feel for you.
By experience, the motto is "Keep It Simple Sweetie !".
You can say : "I don't have more children because my health does not allow it" and stick to it.
If they talk about "my friend did this and that". you can say that "we are in republic" and that it's none of their business.
Take care
Izzy will soon find how lucky she is to have a great mom like yourself.
ReplyDeleteI understand your feelings when it comes to people asking you about having other children. I've been dealing with fsgs for almost 4, I've been in partial remission for about a 2 years now. I really want to have another child but my fears about relapsing are truly what prevents me from trying. I dont know if trying for a child would make me selfish because I would be risking my kidneys and possibly the time I have to spend with my daughter and family. I understand the feeling you're not alone there. I wish you the best of luck
ReplyDelete