Yoga is my sanity

Over the course of this disease, my weight has fluctuated wildly.  I've lost as much as 23 pounds in 4 days and I can also gain 10 in a day (water weight).  Being a fairly slender, athletic person my whole life, I've taken some pride in being fit.  But this disease, and the medications have eroded that pride.

I struggle, daily, with what I see in the mirror.  There are times when I feel like I look the way I want, but that's usually a combination of boring food, lots of diuretics, and alignment of the stars.  In other words, rare.  For the most part, I hate what I see.

I'm well aware that not all of this is due to FSGS.  Part of it's age, and I hate it.  And the fact that I'm turning 40 in two days is NOT helping.  Forty is no spring chicken.  Forty may be "the new 30" but I'd rather be 26, so that doesn't help.  Isn't it weird how your brain doesn't age along with your body?  I mean, I seriously feel way younger than 40 sounds.

Yeah yeah yeah...I've done a lot, lived a lot, procreated, blah blah blah.  And I'm grateful for the life experience.  That STILL doesn't make me any more accepting of this Saturday.

So, how am I going to spend my 40th birthday?  Well, first off, I'll probably cry.  Once I get that out of the way, I hope to go "celebrate my youth" with a yoga class.  Honestly, its probably the best birthday present I could give myself, because it's the place where I feel......free.  It is the hardest workout I've ever done, and it's different every time.  Sometimes the playlist REALLY makes the experience complete, and I love it.  Oddly enough, I don't love yoga when I do it at home.  Yes, I do occasionally practice at home, but there is something about the sanctity of that small, dark room at the gym that makes the practice intimate and cleansing.

When I found out that I was in kidney failure, I stopped going to class.  It was getting harder and harder to get through them and I was feeling lightheaded more of the class than not, so I just stopped.  And then I got scared.  I was scared that I wasn't going to be able to do yoga anymore.  I was scared that I'd turn into a big fat blob.  But mostly, I was scared that I would so depressed that I'd struggle to make it through the day.  Even though yoga is hard, and I get frustrated because I'm not as stretchy or bendy as I want to be, I feel so absolutely fantastic after the class that I can't imagine giving up that high.  I'm a big fan of hot vinyasa yoga, and the sweat from that class is cleansing to my soul.

There are days when I just don't have it in me, physically, to go to class.  There are classes where I don't do every pose.  There are sun salutations that make me laugh due to their complexity, but I won't give it up because it's really the only thing I've found that works on both my body and my soul.