"I'm not feeling well today"

"I'm not feeling well today" is what I say most of the time.

"Sick" doesn't describe it accurately, and using that word tends to make people back up, almost associating the word with "contagious".  I was having freakishly watery eyes the other day, so I was carrying a tissue around, dabbing at the corner of my eye, and someone asked me if I was sick (this person doesn't know about my kidney disease).  And I think I said something to the effect of, "oh I WISH that we're the problem" because I knew the person meant something akin to a cold.  And then sometimes I wish I could just keep my mouth shut and say "yes" but that rarely ever happens.

"I'm tired" just makes it sound like I need a nap, and that's SO not even close to describing what it feels like.  I told my doctor the other day that I really only have energy to blink, and I meant it.  I was tired from holding my head up in the car yesterday on my 6 hour drive.  I'm winded by a flight of stairs.

I want to look back on this blog someday when I'm better and remember how awful this feels right now.  I'm sure I'll forget the physical part of this when I'm on the other side, so I want to make sure I note it often.

Do you know that feeling of heaviness on your chest you get when your body is submerged under water but your head and neck are not?  THAT is how I feel.

Do you know that ache in your joints and muscles a couple of days after a really hard workout?  That's how I feel.

Ever had that feeling like there are grains of sand in your eyes?  Yup...that's how mine feel.  And bulgy...like weirdly bulgy.

At the beginning of most days, my pants are too big, but by the end of the day I'm nearly in tears because I've swollen so much that they're tight.  And don't get me started on how my legs/feet feel.

It's not always like this...no.  When I'm in my yoga routine regularly and the stars align,  I can feel quite light in my skin, but that's rarer right now.  I'm in a bit of a cycle of long periods of sitting from work, one day of leaving my meds at home in the morning, and a few bad (but free) lunches through work.  I'm doubling up on the water pills, drinking lots of water, and resting a lot.  It's been 2 weeks since I last went to a yoga class, but maybe tomorrow  I'll feel better enough to give it a go.  I'm 3 pounds down today, 3 or 4 more tomorrow if I'm lucky.  But it's like starting over again every time.  I need to figure out a way to really be okay with this, and not just tell myself that I am, but I'm a work in progress.