Mother's Day Blues

Mother's Day, at least for me, never lives up to what I think it's supposed to be.

At this moment, in my current emotional and physical state, I should feel lucky for each and every Mother's Day I get to "celebrate".

I put celebrate in quotation marks because there's really no "celebration" here.  There's just Joacim and Izzy, and Joacim usually focuses on a present 3 days before the event, orders something last minute that doesn't arrive for the actual day, and is not necessarily something that I really even thought about wanting.  Then they'll go to Target a couple of days before and each get a card. That sounds harsh, but truth hurts sometimes.

My little Izzy came through today...she had made a book of poems in school and they're really cute.  There seems to be a strong theme about cooking and cookies throughout all of them.  I'm thankful that the theme wasn't sick and dying...glad she's not focusing on those aspects of life at home.

But dammit....it's the partner's job (in this case, Joacim) to teach Izzy why we celebrate Mother's Day, not just at the start of the day, but ALL DAY. It's a day to make Mom's feel special for everything they do.  For me on Mother's Day, I just want acknowledgement of these things.  I want to know that THEY know what I do that makes me invaluable to this family.  I'm really feeling the need to feel valued at home because I'm not contributing anywhere else, and if no one here values me, then sometimes it's hard to figure out the point of all of this.

I feel like I work on that with Izzy when Father's Day comes around.  I haven't asked Joacim if he feels I've been successful though, so that's something I should do.

Joacim's birthday is Tuesday and I asked him if he wanted a special dinner and he's like "nah"...

UGGGGGGGGH!

For PETE'S SAKE....we should ALWAYS be celebrating birthdays (all of ours) with fanfare!!!  The birthday person should be celebrated!!!  I want Izzy's birthday to be the best day of the year for her, every year....that's what I strive for.  I'll never be the adult who says, "No, I don't need any presents....."   TOTAL LIES!  I LOVE ALL THE PRESENTS!!!!! :)

I'm feeling a lot on edge today because my blood pressures have been at stroke level several times this weekend.  I've need to take a hard look at my daily sodium intake to see how much I'm really consuming daily and see where I go from there.  Hopefully I can get in early again tomorrow for a UF run before dialysis to pull off the extra fluid that I think is due, in part, to a new blood pressure medicine.  It's all kind of a nightmare and I'm scared to go to sleep with my BP so high (203/117 at last check at 9:21pm) so I'm going to keep taking clonidine until it goes down enough to sleep.  Wish me luck.