June 19

The donor coordinator for Mayo Clinic called Adam today, and let him know that they want him to repeat the blood pressure monitoring in 30 days, which is June 19th.  So it's "sort of" an answer for now, I guess....

I know...I know...it's not a "No".  I swear...if one more person tells me that I may freak out.  It's not a "No", but it sure as hell isn't a "Yes" either, and that's what I need.  Telling me that I should be glad it's not a "No" makes me want to punch you.  Seriously.

I'm much calmer today regarding the outcome than I was Monday (which, after reading my previous paragraph, you may doubt :), which is either because I've had time to let all of the feelings settle, or I'm already emotionally dead inside.  Some days, I definitely think it's the latter.

I'm not going to go on and on about what I feel today, because frankly, it doesn't matter.  There is absolutely nothing I can do to better this particular part of my situation except for wait, which just sucks.

I may go a little silent here over the new few weeks as there really isn't much else to update.  Dialysis continues to go on, and I'm continuing to do "well" considering I have a tube coming out of my abdomen and require a machine 9 1/2 hours a night to live.  I'm struggling with a LOT of fluid retention right now, and I'm really hoping it's somehow related to the anxiety of the last couple of weeks.  Having a few weeks to get off of this roller coaster sounds good right now.

Thank you....ALL of you...for your support and kindness.  I AM "feeling the love" right now, and I'm truly grateful because it DOES help me weather the storm.

I wish no news was good news...

.....but it's not.  It's just limbo.

Adam turned in his blood pressure monitoring unit last Wednesday at 3:45pm.  While neither one of us expected to hear something that day, we DID think that the nephrologist would call Adam on Thursday and let him know something, but that didn't happen.

And she didn't call on Friday.

And she didn't call over the weekend.

And she hasn't called today.

As far as Adam and I can "guess", she (the transplant nephrologist or the donor nurse coordinator) is waiting until after the transplant committee meets this Wednesday to see if they'll move forward with Adam.  He's left messages, so they know he's anxious to hear.

The wait is endless.  The amount of anxiety flowing through my body daily is indescribable.

I can't seem to hold it together right now.  Today at work, I cried in front of the entire office during a presentation.  It was a short "Who am I in 5" (essentially tell everyone a little bit about yourself in 5 minutes).  One of the statements I had on the slide was "Advocate in the kidney community", and I don't know what happened, but when I read the word "kidney", I started crying.  Like, not a little tear, but the UGLY cry.  I couldn't stop.  I can't stop.  I can't seem to talk about my situation very well right now without tears, and it's really frustrating to me.

I'm all about being open on this blog, but I never want to be weak, and I feel weaker than I've ever felt right now.  Limbo, for me, is worse than "no", because there's no conclusion.  There's no "what's next?"  There's just waiting.  And it's not as if this is something that I can just tuck away and forget about it.  It's permeating every since minute of the day for me.

It's affecting my job right now, as I'm not really able to focus very well.  It's affecting my health in that I've gained nearly 3 kilos in the last week, all because I'm constipated from the stress (tmi, I know, but constipation can be a big problem for PD patients).  And I'm not sleeping well...at all.  It just affects EVERY.  DAMN.  THING.

I am just a basket case in the worst state of limbo.