I wish no news was good news...

.....but it's not.  It's just limbo.

Adam turned in his blood pressure monitoring unit last Wednesday at 3:45pm.  While neither one of us expected to hear something that day, we DID think that the nephrologist would call Adam on Thursday and let him know something, but that didn't happen.

And she didn't call on Friday.

And she didn't call over the weekend.

And she hasn't called today.

As far as Adam and I can "guess", she (the transplant nephrologist or the donor nurse coordinator) is waiting until after the transplant committee meets this Wednesday to see if they'll move forward with Adam.  He's left messages, so they know he's anxious to hear.

The wait is endless.  The amount of anxiety flowing through my body daily is indescribable.

I can't seem to hold it together right now.  Today at work, I cried in front of the entire office during a presentation.  It was a short "Who am I in 5" (essentially tell everyone a little bit about yourself in 5 minutes).  One of the statements I had on the slide was "Advocate in the kidney community", and I don't know what happened, but when I read the word "kidney", I started crying.  Like, not a little tear, but the UGLY cry.  I couldn't stop.  I can't stop.  I can't seem to talk about my situation very well right now without tears, and it's really frustrating to me.

I'm all about being open on this blog, but I never want to be weak, and I feel weaker than I've ever felt right now.  Limbo, for me, is worse than "no", because there's no conclusion.  There's no "what's next?"  There's just waiting.  And it's not as if this is something that I can just tuck away and forget about it.  It's permeating every since minute of the day for me.

It's affecting my job right now, as I'm not really able to focus very well.  It's affecting my health in that I've gained nearly 3 kilos in the last week, all because I'm constipated from the stress (tmi, I know, but constipation can be a big problem for PD patients).  And I'm not sleeping well...at all.  It just affects EVERY.  DAMN.  THING.

I am just a basket case in the worst state of limbo.