Wednesday, February 8, 2012

I need to meditate : FSGS Sucks

...because I'm feeling completely out of control.

This is not a cry for help, so please don't take it that way.  I fully understand what is happening, but I need to write about it.

I think I've said it before, but I'll say it again.  To say that I'm busy is such a wild understatement.  I feel as though I only have the ability to focus on any one thing for about 5 minutes.  That's not an exaggeration....just fact.

Driving is hard.  My mind is always wandering.  I'm supposed to be working at home.  I'm not doing such a great job at that either.  I sit down in front of the computer to get started, and then 2 hours later go by and I've done nothing.  I read the same paragraphs over and over and over.

I know they say meditation helps, and I'm going to try.  I'm positive my friend Holly would be crying out "Hallelujah" right now reading that sentence :)  I'm still working out, although even now, being home a lot, I still feel like I'm trying to squeeze that in.  And even when I start working out again, the good feelings only last so long because quickly the guilt creeps in because I'm not working out enough.  I stay up too later because it's the only quiet time, and then I take a Xanax (because we switched my happy pill meds for my IBS) at night, and I swear I could sleep a solid 12 hours a day and feel minimally rested.  And if you can't tell, I'm REALLY hard on far the worst critic I'll ever have.

I need to feel centered.  I need to take a deep breath.  I need space to stretch out because I feel like my limbs are constricted.  Even having all this time at home hasn't helped because every single freaking day there's some kind of commitment that I have.  Some phone call I HAVE to make, some errand I HAVE to run, some paperwork I FORGOT to complete, some appointment I HAVE to go's never fucking ending.

I NEED a break.  I NEED all of this move business/instability to end.


  1. Guilt is rarely a good motivator - I'm struggling with it too. I have a thousand excuses, most revolving around my wife's bigger desire/need to exercise at times that would work better for me. I think I'm going to have to use my new job as an excuse - I can't be the first guy to wimp out in 90 degree weather at Work Camp this summer, gotta get moving now.

    Or, more likely, I'll put it off another month or so...

  2. Shit - talk about guilt, now I'm feeling some. You are the first person I know that actually links to my blog and I have not posted in five weeks? (Just noticed it at the bottom of your list.) Gotta fix that, and SOON!

  3. Darlin' - just caught up with both your blogs. I'm very proud of you for sticking with Jillian but most of all for always being so honest - first off with yourself and second off with everyone else (it's a courage I don't always have - on both counts!). So well done, you!! Yeah, it does make me happy to hear you want to meditate or slow down and be mindful in some aspect but I have to say I don't see you as the sitting-on-the-cushion type - ever! And this is not a criticism, not one bit. I think even if you were/when you become :) THE most Zen, most centered person on Blue-Green Planet Earth, that you would never have gotten there sitting on a cushion. My very brief experience of meditation has shown me that there are many different styles for different minds...and all I'm saying is find one that works well for you and don't get frustrated and/or judge yourself if you give the sitting type a go and it flat doesn't work for you (in fact, I'd bet all $20 of my life savings that it won't - yes, the whole lot!). As far as needing a BREAK goes...come to Aus! And I'll give you all the break/space/breathing you can handle. Okay, I know that's not exactly realistic right now...but I'd LOVE if it was ;) Sometimes there is a bit of magic in just stopping - where ever you are when you're feeling pinched-up, space-less and stressed and taking three deep breaths that go all the way into your belly and come very slowly back out your nose (making the exhale longer than the inhale is a good relaxation tool). That may just be enough meditation for you for now.

    Lots of love for special YOU - you're doing an AWESOME job. Don't forget to be kind to yourself ;)

    PS. Also stupendous news about the pooping on the potty bit...hope you have broken out the champagne!


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