Tired. Tired. Swollen.......

I'm still swollen.

Actually, I'm a bit worse than I was earlier this week, and I didn't think that was possible.

I wore compression stockings all day, and it didn't make a bit of difference.  My eyes are swollen, my face is swollen, my belly is severely distended...there's swelling up to my chest and through my lower back.  My skin is irritated and sensitive, and I have heartburn that a dragon would probably be jealous of.

For me, this drastic weight gain is like going from normal to being 9 months pregnant in 10 days.  And the associated pain in my back and hips from the added weight is unbearable, let alone the stiffness in my knees and ankles.  Putting on a bra feels like a medieval torture device due to the constriction it puts on my breathing.

In essence, I'm miserable.  Horribly, horribly miserable.  My husband is out having drinks with a friend, which means I'm at home with Izzy.  Normally, no biggie, but it's taking every ounce of strength I have to be coherent at this point.  I wish he'd come home.  I wish he'd get up with her tomorrow morning, but I doubt that'll happen.  I feel like I need to spend the whole day in bed, but I look around at the disaster that is my house, and I know that it'll be impossible for me to do it.

I bought this awesome light tent and some lights the other day to start playing around with my macro lens, and I haven't even gotten them out of the car.  Anyone who knows me knows this is unusual...I LOVE new toys and gadgets, especially those photography related.  I just don't have it in me.

I met with another doctor on Thursday, and the experience was amazing.  I hope to write more later, but needless to say that in that short conversation, I already feel like I gained something.  I'm signing up for a dialysis education class with Joacim, as well as meeting with a transplant surgeon to discuss the possibility of a surgical nephrectomy.  Yeah, I know...HUGE step.  This is not to say that I'm going to do anything...I just need to educate myself at this point.  But this is the first step in getting Joacim and I typed to see if he's a match for a live donation.  If he's not, then all of these conversations I'm having with this doctor will stop, and I'll wait for the inevitable failure of my kidneys.  But if there's even the remotest possibility that I can ditch these beans and get a new one, then the chance to live a normal life might be too good to pass up.  There's A LOT to research..a lot of questions to ask, but I'm thrilled that there's someone out there who's willing to entertain my ideas.

Thanks for all of your kind words and thoughts.  I'm in a pretty low place right now, physically, and it's affecting my mental health as well.  Not being able to move around, or fit into my pants, or even bend at my waist at this point is wearing very, very thin.  I'm tired of winter...tired of snow...tired of wearing boots and my winter coat...tired of salt on my car...tired of this messy house..tired of the clutter...tired tired tired.

Okay, thanks for visiting my little black cloud of doom today.  It'll get better, I know...but allow me the wallow, won't you?