Left out again

I'm in Cleveland at a training event for work.  And I'm in sales.  I don't know if you know this, but sales people like to socialize after working all day.  And it's a great time to get to know people on a more personal level, and bounce ideas off of people in a more light setting.

But I'm missing all of it right now.  Instead, I'm stuck in my hotel room with my feet propped up because my ankles grew into tree trunks today.

And I knew this was going to happen.  It does every time I sit for extended periods of time, which is exactly what I'm doing this week.  We're working in groups, and the training is intense.  There's little time for getting up and moving around, except to run down to the bathroom, but that's about it.  My legs didn't get elevated at all today, so they were screaming at me by the time we got back to the hotel, 13 hours after we left.

I would LOVE to go down and socialize.  Have a glass of wine and talk shop.  But I can't do it.  I only have so many "spoons" to give, and I'm tapped out today.  I need to rest, get a good night's sleep, because more folks are coming in tomorrow night, and I feel like I NEED to be at that one, so I'm going to have to suck it up for that.  That's one of the gazillion crappy things about being chronically ill.  Nothing is spontaneous.  I always have to think ahead...what do I have coming up?  How much can my body take?  I can suck it up occasionally, but my body will eventually give out if I do it to much, and then I'm totally useless, so I have to pace myself.  Sadly, I'd rather have to worry about pacing myself drinking than pacing myself to have enough energy to make it through training.  This just blows.

According to UrbanSpoon.com, I'm a "spoonie":
Spoonies are people that live with chronic illness; theoretically measuring personal daily abilities much as one would measure the proper amount of spoons needed for an event or occasion... sometimes having an abundance, other times coming up short.

Now there have been people that criticized this, but I don't care about those people, because this illustrates exactly how I feel right now, at this moment, and a lot of other times as well.  I always feel that I have to weigh the benefits of every activity, wondering if I'll have enough energy for it all, and if not, things have to start coming off the list.  It's very frustrating to not be able to do everything you want because of things like swollen ankles.

And I've noticed more recently that my ability to comprehend things has certainly been affected.  I used to feel that I was smart as a whip..easily able to pick up new concepts, but not anymore.  I can hear something over and over again, and it still doesn't sink in.  And don't even get me started on names.  I'm EMBARASSED about how bad I am with names.  Faces?  I'm totally good though, so at least I can still recognize people.  Guess I gotta be thankful for that today, right?