Weary of the pain

I'm definitely weary of the pain right now.  The last couple of days I have this sensation in my abdomen (both upper and lower) that's difficult to describe.  I remember back in high school, when we were conditioning for track season, where we would run a lot after having done nothing for awhile and I'd get these awful cramps in my sides......remember those?  Well, it's sorta like that, but all over sometimes and sometime they move.  It'll start out in my upper right abdomen, right under my ribcage, and then spread to my lower abdomen, then back up, then seizing pain all over.  I'm not sure if it's cramping or what because I've never felt it before, but it's incredibly painful and unpredictable.  One minute I'll be fine, and the next I'll be literally bent over in pain, unable to take a deep breath for fear of the stabbing pain.

Tonight, I connected to the machine and started it.  The first thing the machine does is drain out whatever fluid I ultra filtered during the day, and it does this for 90 seconds. After I started it, I went to the bathroom to wash my hands, and then the drain pain AND the crampy pain hit, and I had a hard time walking back to lie in bed.  Fuck, I hate this.  It's just so random, and that's so damn frustrating.  The unpredictability of being spontaneously incapacitated is difficult to live with.

I've also noticed that I'm not urinating as much as I did when I first started.  A year ago, I could take my diuretics and know that, within 45 minutes, I'd have to pee.  Now it's 3-4 hours.  I think that the catheter surgery really destroyed or confused some nerves in my body, because I don't have that urge to pee anymore.  It's strange, but it's as if I can feel my bladder as an organ (which, admittedly, I don't think I ever really did before), and it hurts.  It just starts burning inside (my bladder, that is), and that's how I know I need to go.  I wonder if anyone else feels like that.  I wonder what life will be like when I no longer pee at all....won't that be strange?  I mean, think about it.  It's one of the most basic functions of the human body, and I'll just stop.  It's weird (but maybe incredibly convenient considering my aversion to anything that starts with "port-o"....:)