I'm coining a new phrase today (maybe it's not new...I haven't consulted the Google yet) and it's called "mental itchiness". I think it's a good phrase for the excessive rambling I'm about to do, but hoping it's therapeutic.
It's a typical Friday night here, full of a whole hell of a lot of nothing. Yes, I'm terribly, terribly bored and excessively cranky for a Friday.
I went to happy hour hot vinyasa tonight, which I do every Friday night. There weren't very many people there, which was a nice change of pace from the typically full class, so I had plenty of room for poses, but for some reason tonight I felt like a clumsy elephant trying to balance on a beam. I've realized lately that I get a much better workout, and feel better about myself in general, when I do workouts earlier in the day. By the end of a work day, I'm usually pretty tired mentally from the incessant amount of talking I do (no snarky comments here, peanut gallery :), and I'm pretty swollen from all of the sitting I'm doing. Swollen legs and bellies do not lend themselves to grace and yoga, and it was evident today. I felt like my whole center of gravity was off, and I admit that I kept getting frustrated in myself (which is the antithesis of yoga). I finished the class and got a decent workout, but I felt mentally defeated.
I beat up on myself a lot in my head, more so than anyone knows. I don't know if I realized how deeply ingrained ideas of beauty and attractiveness are in me. I mean, I thought I did after prednisone, and then after having Izzy, but I continue to beat myself up daily over how I look. And I can tell myself to take it easy on myself because of what I go through daily, but I never do. I mean, seriously.....what the hell happened in my brain that I just can't accept what is, or better yet, even have any awareness that I'm any less than I think I should be? Does that make any sense?
Ugh....so frustrated today. I hate disconnecting. I hate connecting. I hate dealing with Baxter. I hate having to figure out what the hell to do with the catheter sometimes I just hate it all today. I hate that I feel like it totally limits me yet I chose this option for the flexibility. What am I missing here? Why can't I make this work better? I'm not the only person on dialysis who works and is married and has children.
I may just be especially whiney about it right now because I'm seriously bored out of my f-ing mind. It's not all the fault of dialysis, of course, but it (and everything that led up to it) played a part. I slowly took myself out of social circles (not by choice, of course) and life moved on without me, with the result being that I spend every night at home. I'm grateful that I have a family and a home, but too much togetherness is, well, too much. I feel like I'm in this suspended animation, and I'm just waiting for the page to turn. I clearly need to get the hell out of here tomorrow....maybe a trip to the museum or something. Can I blame all of this mental "itchiness" on winter in Minnesota?
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Transplant / Living Donor Info for me (edited)
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I hear you ! I feel for you too.
ReplyDeleteI won't say "I understand" because it would be very misleading.
Ideas about women' beauty and attractiveness are so deeply ingrained that "normal" don't even realize how deeply ingrained they are.
Having a chronic condition makes you realize how much stereotypes about beauty and attractiveness are ingrained in you and in the society's mind generally speaking.
What you feel is very normal (whatever the health condition is).
Easier said than done, but accepting yourself in your new body will take what it takes.
Your feelings are what they are, they are neither right nor wrong. It's ok not to like your appearance, and many, many women without CKD do feel bad about their body for a variety of reasons.
In your blog post, I perceive that you beat yourself up because you feel bad about yourself, as if you had to punish yourself for a fault.
Your feelings are perfectly normal, there's nothing to be ashamed of.
You will adjust to your new normal and find brand new ways for meaningful socialization.
You've been through a lot. Finding a new normal takes the time it takes.
Try not to go quicker than the music as we say in France, because you cannot go quicker than the music ;-)
Hi Giulia! Thanks so much for commenting, and lending your supportive words. It really means a lot that you'd take the time to reach out!
DeleteHi Jenn,
ReplyDeleteI have been following your blog for some time. My husband has FSGS and was recently added to the transplant list. He is not on dialysis and feels pretty good. I wanted to thank you for posting your experiences and emotions….. It truly helps in all that is going on and I reference your entries all the time!
I wanted to ask you if you have considered starting a Facebook page in search of a living donor? I have seen several on a page called "kidney stories". It seems many people have brought awareness to their needs this way and have found donors. We are in the process of having friends and family tested and if that is not successful, social media is my next try. I wish you the best of luck and I'll be reading :)
Take Care,
Wendy
Hi Wendy...thanks so much for commenting! I'm sorry to hear about your husband...fingers crossed for his continuing to feel good! It's a tenuous balance, being listed but not on dialysis and waiting. Tough stuff. I've thought about a FB page for finding a kidney, but I don't really feel that it would do a lot of good. It would probably duplicate a lot of the things I do here, and all of my posts go to my FB page anyway. I have a few sites I'm managing now, and I really can't add another to the mix and do it successfully :)
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