I think, sometimes, that I'm trying too hard. I'm worn out. By Thursday night, I'm mental jelly. I'm exhausted, swollen, cranky and anxious, and an absolute joy to be around.
I want it both ways. I need it both ways. I WANT to be the healthy person that works and does yoga and goes on fun adventures on the weekends. I also NEED to be the sick person that comes home, puts on her jammies and goes into a quiet room to rest body and brain. I don't want this disease or kidney failure to prevent me from the things I WANT to do, but I also don't want the expectation that I can keep up like a healthier person. There's no reason that I should have to pick on or the other because I am both, yet I feel sometimes like I have to commit to one of them. I wish I could celebrate the "healthy" days, yet have understanding on the "sick" days.
Somedays I miss the steadiness of working as an engineer. There were always problems to solve, but they were problems that had answers. The 371 different things I'm working on (okay, maybe an exaggeration, but not by much according to my inbox) don't have clear solutions....heck, some don't have any. What I'm getting at in my "not so elegant" way is that I'm suffering from decision fatigue. The sheer volume of the number of decisions that I make every day at work is staggering (for all of us), but compound that with a chronic illness, and it's sometimes unbearable. Every decision starts to feel very important, until I get to the point that I can't tell the difference between something I can put off and something that's an emergency. They all feel like emergencies. The heightened emotional state is draining.
Wahhhh wahhhh wahhh....I'm a big ol' whiner today. But hey...that's what I come here for!
Ugh.....I hate not being able to communicate all of the feelings and thoughts that run through my brain daily. It's all a jumbled mess in my brain...the words....they want out but I can't seem to string together a coherent thought right now.
You know what I'd like to do? I'd like to go on a yoga retreat. Or at some kind of yoga/meditation place in the desert. I think spending 3 or 4 days in nature, doing yoga and eating well are just what I need. I wonder if there's a yoga treat that caters to dialysis patients, because it's not as if I can spontaneously do this. More research. Guess that makes 372 different things I'm working on....
Somedays I miss the steadiness of working as an engineer. There were always problems to solve, but they were problems that had answers. The 371 different things I'm working on (okay, maybe an exaggeration, but not by much according to my inbox) don't have clear solutions....heck, some don't have any. What I'm getting at in my "not so elegant" way is that I'm suffering from decision fatigue. The sheer volume of the number of decisions that I make every day at work is staggering (for all of us), but compound that with a chronic illness, and it's sometimes unbearable. Every decision starts to feel very important, until I get to the point that I can't tell the difference between something I can put off and something that's an emergency. They all feel like emergencies. The heightened emotional state is draining.
Wahhhh wahhhh wahhh....I'm a big ol' whiner today. But hey...that's what I come here for!
Ugh.....I hate not being able to communicate all of the feelings and thoughts that run through my brain daily. It's all a jumbled mess in my brain...the words....they want out but I can't seem to string together a coherent thought right now.
You know what I'd like to do? I'd like to go on a yoga retreat. Or at some kind of yoga/meditation place in the desert. I think spending 3 or 4 days in nature, doing yoga and eating well are just what I need. I wonder if there's a yoga treat that caters to dialysis patients, because it's not as if I can spontaneously do this. More research. Guess that makes 372 different things I'm working on....
hi! you break my heart when you talk about your job... i feel like it is too stressful for you 😣 i wish you could go part time or something.
ReplyDeletei am still in the early phases of fsgs and i hear what you are saying about the yoga. i am going for my teacher certification now and i am loving it! but i deliberately chose a program that does not include hot yoga - for me, it is so hard to rehydrate. do you ever feel hungover after doing hot? just curious.