Hope is a 4-letter word.

Today didn't go as hoped.

There were so many good things over the last 2 days, but it only took one "not so good" to derail the happy train, and it sucks.  I was telling my friends Lie and Emily how emotionally complex and and draining this all is and that I needed to get these thoughts out of my head, so here goes.

I went down to Mayo today to keep Adam company as he was completing day 2 of his donor evaluation.  He had sent me a pdf of his lab numbers the previous night, and I was nearly giddy (and terribly envious of his numbers :), and was feeling pretty positive.  I met him at Starbucks after his CT scan this morning, and he recapped the previous day, and then off we went.  Every time he came out of an appointment, he did it with a smile.  Each appointment seemed to lead us both to believe that this was nearly a done deal...that a "yes" would be the ultimate outcome.  I let "Hope" creep in a little bit more with each appointment.

But then he met with the nurse to review the results of his 18-hr blood pressure monitoring, and the numbers weren't where Mayo wants them.  According to Mayo, he is hypertensive.  I think we both knew that these results kinda popped the happy bubble we were both in.  At the end of the day, he met with the transplant nephrologist again to re-cap the testing, and she essentially told him that he needed to cut things out of his diet, and that they'd retest in a month.

It felt like "Hope" gave me a roundhouse kick to my ass.

What I am amazed at is that Adam somehow convinced Mayo to let him retake the test.  Right then and there.  I don't know how in the hell he did it, but I can't convey in words how thankful I am that he's so invested in this.  I'm not sure many people could do what he did, honestly.  And so now he's spending another night at a hotel in Rochester with a blood pressure cuffed strapped to his arm for 24 hours.  He'll turn the monitor in at 3:45pm tomorrow, and then we wait.  No matter what happens, it'll be at least a week before we hear good news, and by good news I mean "YES".  Every other test result was stellar.  It's just this blood pressure.  Now, I take my blood pressure at least 2 times a day, so I know how susceptible it is to my own emotions (good or bad), so I've got to hold on to that right now to get through these next few hours/days.

Okay....so that's the facts.  Now let's get to the feelings.

I feel sad, scared, frustrated, mad, worried and empty all at the same time.  I'm going to go out on a limb and say say that he's having similar thoughts right now, but he also has the additional feeling of a short term/high pressure situation that he's worried he really wants to succeed in.  I'm not going to be all "rainbows and unicorns" about it.  I'm worried too.

You see...this is why it's so complex.  I'm having a hard time writing down my feelings honestly because, no matter what I type, I think I sound selfish.  But seriously, we are talking about my life here, so I guess selfishness is a little OK.  Honestly, right now I'm more worried about Adam through tomorrow.  Dammit...this whole thing sucks.  And when I look at the last 2 people who've tried to donate to me (Buffy and Adam), I see the picture of health.  Buffy is heavily into fitness and eating right, and Adam takes 100 mile bike rides on the weekend...for FUN.  If THESE two people aren't able to donate to me, then what are my real chances of ever finding a match?