Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Anxiety will be the death of me.

I'm lying here right now in room 6B of the specialty infusion center at the U of M, and it's not going well

My first blood pressure reading wasn't awful (at least for me) at 160/110, but every single one after that has been up over 180/110, and there's no way we can even start the infusion until it drops.

I've been given tylenol and benadry for pre-meds (had a nice little nap due to that while waiting), plus I've already taken all of my BP meds for the morning, which include:  clonidine, losartan, labetalol, and hydralazine.  They even gave me an extra 0.1mg of clonidine hoping that would help, but absolutely nothing is working.

It's 11:00am right now...I've been here since 7:00am.  In what seems like a last-ditch effort, we're trying Ativan for anxiety.  I've been stepping down my Xanax as I wrote previously, but apparently there might be some rebound effect from that causing my BP to rise.  I swear, I can't seem to win.  I was trying to do what I think is a responsible thing but I may have screwed this all up!

My bp has been really high since Saturday.  I don't know...it's like some switch is turned on inside and it's just amped up.  I can feel it in my heart every day.....it pounds with such force.

So, alone with all of the medications, I've made sure I'm not hungry, that my bladder is empty, I've listened to mediation podcasts, and chill music.  I even took off my bra because the pressure makes me feel my heartbeat more.  In a last ditch effort, I thought I'd write this stuff out and post as a way of releasing any anxiety I have.

I know I'm anxious about the IVIG for many reasons.  Firsts of all, I get nervous during these infusions because of how my blood pressure gets.  Secondly, I've got a lot of hopes placed on getting this infusion and it making me feel better.  Deep in my subconscious, I'm totally fucking it all up somehow and I can't stop it. 

And now the anxiety I'm feeling over maybe having to postpone this AGAIN is awful.  They're talking about possibly doing this as an inpatient as an option.  Even just writing about it I start to get my anxious.

If I was ever worried about dying from kidney disease, it's quickly being eclipsed by dying from anxiety.  I swear, you guys, unless you have anxiety, there aren't words to describe how it feels inside and what it does in your head.  It messes with you.  It makes you feel inadequate.  It's stripped me of my self-confidence and left me feeling unsure of my mind and my body.  


  1. Deep in my subconscious, I'm totally fucking it all up somehow and I can't stop it.

    So yeah, I understand this one. And it makes no sense at all. I've had a staff of drs, and yet I can blame stuff on myself. Blame, if any, is the doctors burden, not yours.

    So hi. I had that weird anxiety thing for years. Maybe 20%, at most, is psychogenic. The balance is organic, from underlying disease. There's very little that meditation and such, can accomplish when all sorts of hormones and chemical balances are whacked in a dialysis patient.

    One thing that you might ask for going forward: Thyroid testing. Anxiety etc are all associated with thyroid issues. Low thyroid a problem. Symptoms to google. But most importantly, if your thyroid doesn't show Hypothyroidism, you may still want to be treated based upon your recitation of symptoms. Endocrinologists can treat you for subclinical hypothyroidism. They give you meds to adjust your levels within the normal ranges and in doing so this may give energy and reduce anxiousness. Kinda makes things better all over.

    To me the "anxiety" was akin to the sensation you get when someone jumps out from behind a door. Over and over during the day, even when I'm not thinking of anything in particular at all.

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Catching up....

 I gotta be honest....I don't feel much like posting here lately.  So many times I start writing the post kind of "in my head"...