Radio silence....

It's been 2 months since my last post.....one would like to think that means that I'm doing well, but it's more like I don't have anything horrifically tragic to report, which I guess is good, but sad that my scale of life is "okay to horrifically tragic".

I think my job will be the death of me.  I'm a busy that I can't understand, describe, or get a handle of.  I don't have time to notice the nuances of my health that I once did, and for a person with a chronic illness, nuances are important.  They can help me identify triggers that make me feel bad, or help me notice things that make me feel good.  Now there's just.....no feeling.

A few weeks ago, I noticed that I was having a noticeable difficulty catching my breath.  It felt like I was walking up multiple flights of stairs, when in fact I was only walking from my car to my desk (a trivial distance, really).  I called my PCP to set up an appointment, as I was due for a thyroid check anyway, and ended up describing my symptoms to a nurse, who then told me to go to urgent care.  So I went to urgent care, and that's always a process.  People like me walk into places like that, and you can see the look on their faces when they see my labs.  It's like they're shocked that I'm still breathing.  Whenever checking in at any new place now, my line is, "I'm the healthiest sick person you'll ever meet".  They laugh, thinking I'm a nut job, and then they'll do labs.

Long story short, I ended up getting referred to the emergency room from urgent care, where I spent 6 hours essentially being ignored.  And get this....it's all because the urgent care's stat lab for potassium measured me at 2.9 and yet a couple of hours later, it measured 3.4 without any intervention.  So what that means is that the lab's measuring equipment is off.  And I got to spend 6 hours in an emergency room (out of network, by the way), only to drink a hideous orange liquid containing a boost of potassium and be on my merry way.

And yet, miracle of all miracles, I still have the exact same symptoms (sarcasm, my friends).  I can do a yoga class one morning, and yet the next day become winded walking.  It's unpredictable, insidious, and just plain awful.  And I guess I'm just supposed to "be okay" with it.   To feel "lucky that it isn't worse".

Screw that.  (I have harsher words, but that'll suffice for now).

Here's a great little ditty that I discovered last week.  I go to a medical building that contains my lab, my primary care doctor and my urgent care.  My PCP and the urgent care is an in-network provider, but the lab isn't.

They're in the same building.

They're all under Park Nicollet.

But CIGNA is a bloodsucking insurance company, so there's that.

My husband started the donation testing process and even that isn't going as I had thought.  Does anyone at the U of M give a shit?  I'm thinking no.  He's sent in blood work, I've done bloodworm, he did a saliva follow-up because time had expired.  And yet, here we are....3 weeks later, and no contact.  What the hell?  I mean......LIVING ORGAN DONOR WANTING TO DONATE ORGAN HERE!!!  WHAT THE HELL DO I HAVE TO DO?????

This would be my surrender flag.  

Sometimes ignorance really is bliss......

Today was THE BIG day.....which meant I spent a lot of time with this.

This (for those of you that don't already know) is called a bonnet, and it sits conveniently over the toilet seat so you can easily collect your urine (which is WAY better than a using a dixie cup :)

It was a fasting appointment, so all I had this morning was this.....can't describe how terribly unsatisfying this glass o' water was.

I saw this posted on Facebook today and had to steal and share.....it's too funny not to.

Safe delivery of precious cargo is muy important!!!

Blood....always more blood.....

Also a random urine sample up arrival....

....tucked away neatly in a tiny little bag.  They have specimen drop boxes all over the place.  It's really amazing how it all manages to work and get the labs processed in time for my afternoon appointment :)

Here is the delicious treat I rewarded myself with after I had dropped off my specimen and gotten blood drawn.  This is usually the highlight of my visits to Mayo :)

Okay, so, let's get down to the nitty gritty, yes?

Well, it didn't work.

In fact, according to the numbers, my kidneys are getting worse.  And I've been blissfully unaware of my numbers since last November.

This could be a temporary blip, or the actual failure I've been waiting for, I'll never know.

I'm not surprised.  I kept my expectations low.  Yet I was still sad when Dr. F told me. I think he genuinely was too.  He said he was sorry that he couldn't help me, and I believe every word of it.  I'm a puzzle that can't be "solved".

So where do I go from here?  Honestly, in this moment, I have no idea.  I've spent 8 years looking forward to "something", never really knowing what it was, only that I had hope.  And now I no longer have hope.  So that's a pisser.

I'll discontinue the infusions now, and do a follow-up in 4 months to check-in.  I'll start taking potassium supplements because I apparently can't eat my way into good numbers here (regardless of the amount of tomatoes and bananas that I consume).

For those that are interested in numbers, here they are:

Albumin:  1.7g/dL
BUN:  27mg/dL
Cholesterol:  306mg/dL (LDL 183, triglycerides 190)
Creatinine:  2.1mg/dL
Potassium:  3mmol/L
Creatinine Clearance:  31mL/min/BSA (this is my GFR......magic number for transplant listing is 20)
Total Protein:  16130 mg/24 hr

So now, I wait..........I don't really want to be cheered up.  I want to whine and wallow for a bit.  I'm allowed at least that.

Do you have a brother or a sister?

Do you have any idea how many times I've heard someone ask Izzy this very question?

I know they're doing it in order to engage in conversation with her....it's a seemingly benign question. Unless you're someone in my shoes.  And then it's a knife to the heart every single time.

Izzy answers "no", but then I feel like I get "the look".  The look that asks, "Why don't you have another?  Look how adorable your daughter is?  Don't you want more?  Don't you want to give her a sibling?"

And I just want to scream YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes I just let it go.  Sometimes I lie and say, "She's got the personality of 2!"  And sometimes I feel the need to explain and justify the reason Izzy's solo.

It just hurts.  I think it hurts Izzy.  There is no healing this wound.  It will be open for the rest of my life.

These are the deep thoughts I have as I sit here at Mayo, getting infusion #5 of abatacept.  I have no idea if it's working.  I had a random urine done the other day, but somehow it got lost and I never got the results.  I'm figuring it's Fate's way of telling me to be patient.

I also have a bunch of rambling thoughts.  Por ejemplo:

It's been a rough couple of weeks.  I've weaned off of one of my anxiety meds, and I'm now an anxious mess.  I cried in my car the other morning because Starbucks didn't have my breakfast sandwich.  I'm having the IUD surgery on Thursday, and I'm a bit nervous.  Every morning this week is an early morning (yesterday I had a 7:30am meeting on the other side of town during a winter storm warning, today it was Mayo [which I was late for because of traffic], tomorrow I'll be in the car for 9 hours on sales calls).  I won't even get any rest on Friday as I have 2 conference calls scheduled that I MUST attend.

I know that there are some people that understand all of the things that I'm juggling.  I just wish everyone had a chance to live a day in my shoes, to be pulled in 10 different directions all at the same time, to sometimes feel like the least important person in the room (at the most under-appreciated), to constantly analyze whether or not I'm doing enough to shelter my family from the impacts of my illness.  I know that I'm sucking in the family area right now, but I know I need to focus on me.  I just hope Izzy forgets about this period, or is still too young to remember it.

Cortisone is the devil

So, here's an update to everything.

As far as the IUD goes, I have the surgery to remove it scheduled for February 20th.  I've gotten my pre-op physical and spoken to my thrombosis doctor about when I need to stop my warfarin, so I THINK I'm good to go on that one.

I was also able to get the contrast MRI done on my left hip a couple of weeks ago.  The procedure itself was relatively painless, considering how awful it sounded when described to me.  I went back to a room that had a portable X-ray unit that was very specific...it looked like this:

So, they wheel this think over to the stretcher that I was laying down on.  The anesthesiologist came in to describe the procedure, which included washing/sterilizing the area, preparing the sterile gown, a topical (very similar to what you'd receive when you go to the dents).  Once the area was numb, he would then inject the needle, add more numbing medication, and then the contrast dye.  I'd then walk back to the MRI machine and get the images taken.

Now, I'm NO fan of MRI machines.  I think this is the 3rd one I've had in my life, and I hated them all, but this one was the most pleasant of the 3.  I'm EXTREMELY claustrophobic, so putting me in a big metal tube is about the last way I want to spend my morning.  Anyway, they're clearly prepared for nut jobs like me, because the technician had warm blankets, a washcloth to put over my eyes, and noise-cancelling headphones to help block out all of the knocking from the MRI.  She was even kind enough to put some "zen" music on in the headphones to help me relax.  All in all, it went pretty quickly, and I actually fell asleep near the end, as I woke myself up by my own snoring!

I met with the orthopedic surgeon the next day, and he confirmed that there is a small labral tear in my hip.  I could go into specifics, but it's really not necessary.  At this point, he gave me 3 options:  cortisone shot, a surgery that would have me on crutches for 1 week, and another surgery that would have me on crutches for a month.  Now, I don't know about you, but I can't imagine being on crutches during a Minnesota winter, particularly THIS one, so I decided to hold off on the surgery until it was warmer an try to find some relief with the cortisone shot.  I'd never had one before, and I'm not a fan of any steroid, but the surgery just wasn't an option this time of the year.

I had the cortisone shot this past Wednesday.  It was a very similar procedure to getting the contrast MRI, just without the MRI.  All went well...it was a little painful when he injected the cortisone...kinda felt like he hit a nerve or something because there was a shooting pain through my butt and down my leg, but it subsided rather quickly.  All was well, or so I thought.

On Thursday, I had a breakfast meeting in St. Paul, and then a customer meeting in Hutchinson, which meant a decent amount of time in the car.  I noticed that I was feeling a bit "thicker" in the middle, but kinda pushed it aside.  When I got home at the end of the day and took my boots off, I noticed how swollen my legs (especially my knees) were, as well as my torso.  I was cold and worn out, so I decided to soak in a hot tub since no one but me was home yet.  While in the tub, my face started itching a bit, but I just figured that was because the change in temperature.  I was mistaken.

The next 24 hours were pretty much awful.

This picture was taken Thursday night.  Do you see that my face is kinda flushed?  Yeah, it felt like it was ON FIRE!  I ended up getting up in the middle of the night to get a cool washcloth to put over my face, and to take some Tylenol.  The swelling that was occurring was putting SO much pressure on my sinus cavity and my jaw....so painful!

The next morning was worse:

Very red, and VERY swollen (especially through the bridge of my nose).  I was just completely miserable.  It was very hot to the touch, and painful to do much movement.  This was pretty much the only relief I had:

Now, I realize that this doesn't seem like a big deal, and in the end, it really isn't.  It's just that, every single thing regarding my health is like this.  This really shouldn't have happened, especially since it was a shot in my joint.  I mean, if I was taking oral cortisone (is that even an option), then yeah, I'd think something like this could happen.  My body CLEARLY recognizes the devil that a steroid is, and went into hyperdrive.  I had my pre-op physical yesterday, so the doctor checked everything out.  My sugars have been skyrocketing, so she ordered an a1c to see if everything is OK there, but otherwise I just need to wait it out.  If it doesn't subside in a week, THEN I should be concerned.  So that's that.

It's much better this morning than it was yesterday, so hopefully it was a quick reaction, followed by a quick recovery.

Today, I'm off to spoil myself by getting a pedicure with a new friend, while Izzy has a playdate (said friend's daughter) and Joacim stays home with them.  :)

2 doctor appointments, 2 surgeries....WHAT??????

Okay, this post is going to give you WAY more information about me than is necessary, but I gotta put it all out there, or this blog doesn't mean much, so here goes.

Last Monday, I had an appointment at a new OB/GYN.  I've wanted to get this damn IUD removed for a year now, but I wasn't able to due to my participation in the last clinical trial.  Now that the trial is done, I decided it was time.  I've just had nothing but problems with it, from the monstrous clotting episode last year while I was traveling for work, to just the day-in-day out cramping and spotting.  It's never freakin' ending, and I want it OUT.  I know...I know...it could be worse.  I just think that, in this case, my body is trying to tell me something and that is to remove it.

I also needed to get a new doctor since the last one was, well....unimpressive.  Any doctor who can't see past one of the medications I take, and is willing to blame all of my symptoms on that drug, isn't worth their weight in salt, and I'm not waiting around to see if she'll figure it all out.  I made an appointment at Clinic Sofia in Edina, as it was rated quite highly in Minnesota Monthly magazine's issue of top rated doctor's for women.  I was pretty excited for the appointment because I thought I'd finally be free of it....unfortunately, that was not the case.

I could go into a lot of details, but I'll spare you most of that.  The doctor tried to remove it in the exam room, but didn't have any luck.  Then we moved to the ultrasound room, hoping to be able to "see" a little better.  I knew there was some scar tissue issues, and I'd had a LEEP right after the insertion of the IUD, and they clipped the strings during that procedure, so I didn't figure it would be a walk in the park, but I was willing to stick through the pain in order to get it out.  I mean, imagine, a doctor, a speculum, and an ultrasound wand all visited my uterus that day, and all they left was a cramps mess. I believe there were about 20 different tools on the table that they (doctor, ultrasound technician and 3 nurses) tried to use to get it out, but to no avail.  And do you know what happens to naughty IUD's that won't come out?  Well, my friends, I'll tell you....they get removed SURGICALLY!

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME????  I've never even had stitches before (unless you count childbirth, which I didn't because I couldn't personally see them :).  For the love of all that is holy....nothing can be "easy" or "normal" when it comes to my health.  The doctor thinks that the IUD might be embedded in my uterine wall, and this is pretty much the only way.

The thing that sucks about this the most is the change in the insurance this year.  We went with a higher-deductible, no co-pay plan.  I VIVIDLY recall saying (jokingly, mind you) last October when we were making our healthcare selections, "Well, I don't plan on having any surgeries in 2014".   BIG  mistake.  HUGE.  So, this is going to get expensive.  It's a same-day procedure, she only does surgeries every other Thursday morning, and there's a few days recovery.  Not awful, but not awesome either.

The other appointment I had was to see an orthopedic surgeon about my hip (it's been a very busy January, health-wise).  No matter what I did in the past week, I couldn't get the darn thing to hurt like before.  Luckily, the doctor was great about putting pressure in the right places on my hip and back during the exam, and was able to understand my issues.  The next step is to do a contrast MRI, where they inject coloring and novocaine into the hip joint and take a picture.  If there are any tears, the dye will seep in and show up during the MRI, and if there's no pain with the novocaine, then that also indicates something.  Honestly, I'm relieved.  I was anticipating my symptoms/fears being ignored, but that wasn't the case at all.

Sadly, again, an MRI is expensive.  In all of my health issues, I've never worried about costs, but I do now.  I tried to see if I can delay either one, but I really can't.  I mean, who wants to shuck out all that money at the beginning of the year?  Not I, but I will, or at least it looks like I'm going to.

I'll let you all know how these two separate issues pan out.  Fingers crossed for the best!

Another day, another infusion...

Today was infusion #4, and this one was smooth as butta (that's butter, but said like "but-ah").  Anyway, the appointment was completely uneventful and quick...I didn't even have a chance to get my iPad powered up as I was answering work emails and making calls during the infusion.   Sometimes I laugh at all of the juggling that I have to do....sometimes :)   But I'm still smiling...

I was telling my friend, Emily, that I think a key to me feeling so good right now is the discovery of the hypothyroidism.  I mean, LOOK AT MY FEET/ANKLES/LEGS!!!  (Okay, my leg looks a LITTLE bigger than normal, but that's because of the crappy angle of the photo and the fact that I'm resting my calf on the sofa)

I go back in another 2 weeks for labs to see if my thyroid is at the right level, and back to Mayo again at the end of February for infusion #5.

Abatacept update and another diagnosis code!

Lately, I just haven't felt like writing.  Hell, I haven't felt like doing much of anything.  I had a BIG case of that utter exhaustion that pops up every now and then.  Luckily, I got a new PCP that identified the problem....hypothyroidism!  I went in for a physical a few weeks before Christmas and she decided to check my levels.  I'm actually not even sure what prompted her to do it, but I'm glad she did!  Let's look at the symptoms of hypothyroidism, shall we?  According to Mayo Clinic's website, hypothyroidism signs and symptoms may include:

• Fatigue
• Increased sensitivity to cold
• Constipation
• Dry skin
• Unexplained weight gain
• Puffy face
• Hoarseness
• Muscle weakness
• Elevated blood cholesterol level
• Muscle aches, tenderness and stiffness
• Pain, stiffness or swelling in your joints
• Heavier than normal or irregular menstrual periods
• Thinning hair
• Slowed heart rate
• Depression
• Impaired memory

Well, that about sums up every thing I've been feeling.  Hell, if I hadn't already had 2 kidney biopsies confirming my FSGS diagnosis, I'd say it was ALL hypothyroidism.  Sadly, I'm not that lucky, but I AM lucky enough to finally be on some medicine, and I think it's really working.  I mean, it's only 5 days in, but I definitely have more energy, and I can feel the fog lifting from my brain..I'm quicker, wittier (okay, that may be debatable, but I think I'm pretty funny via text messages) and just generally all around happier.  I'll go back in 6 weeks to get my levels checked again, so keep your fingers crossed for me, okay?

Someone anonymous posted a comment on this blog a couple of days ago asking me to update everyone on the abatacept infusions, so that's really what prompted this post.  Whoever you are, thank you for getting me in gear writing again!

Okay, so I've had a total of 3 infusions so far.  I did these on Day 1, Day 15 and Day 30.  From now on, I'll be going to Mayo once per month to do them, assuming the drug works/continues working.

Sometimes I don't feel so well after the infusions.  I do notice some nausea, most noticeably in the mornings.  I have some zofran left over from a hospital stay and I take that, and that's a HUGE help.

Sometimes my face gets really PUFFY.  This picture was taken the same day as my last post was written, and if you read that one, you'll know that it was a REALLY bad day.

I honestly don't know if the drug is working.  My pee is still ridiculously foamy.  That being said, even if I had a 50% reduction in my protein loss, I still lose a shitload of protein, so I probably wouldn't notice a difference anyway.  I'm not going to lose hope, and I'm not going to spend a single second wondering if it's working.  If it does, SUPER!  If it doesn't, then I'm no worse off today than I was before I started taking it, right?

There are a few weird things that are going on, but I don't attribute these to the abatacept at all.  This is just a result of the awful things that FSGS does to my body.  Case in point:

This is my fingernail.  Gross, right?  Yeah, I think so too, and now some of them GROW OUT THIS WAY.  I've got 4 nails right now that are growing out with what appears to be bruises...they look like the kind of bruise you get when you shut your finger in a door, only I haven't done that (I mean, I'd remember THAT!).  I'm blaming this one on the nutritional deficiency that is occurring due to the protein loss.

I also get weird rashes that are unexplainable, incredibly itchy, and totally gone the next day:

This month, I think I'm seeing a total of 4 doctors, if you include my dentist (which I do).  I FINALLY was able to get an appointment scheduled with an orthopedic surgeon to check out my left hip that I had MRI'd at Mayo this past summer.  My hip has been feeling pretty good, but in preparation for the appointment, I started on the elliptical machine again, hoping I can aggravate it enough.  I know this seems counterintuitive, but I've been to so many doctors for things that are bad when I feel good that they don't pay the same level of attention, so I want this thing to HURT so he understands how bad it can be, and how much it affects me.  Initially the doctor looked at the radiology report and told the nurse that nothing needed to be done.  Thankfully, I'm nothing if not persistent, and told them that someone was going to see me because it hurts like hell and I wanted to start running again.  Wish granted :)

Okay, I really hope that captures the last month or so.  My wrist hurts from typing, so I'm outta here :)

Eeeeeek.....not feeling so hot

This day has sucked from the moment I opened my eyes.
Strike 1: Izzy slept with us last night and did crocodile rolls ALL night.
Strike 2: I woke up at 5:30am so I could actually be on time for my infusion. had my 2nd infusion today at Mayo.
Strike 3: I didn't make it on time because traffic issues caused the normally 2-hour trip to take 3 hrs 45 minutes.
Strike 4: the nurse had to stick me twice because my veins weren't cooperating
Strike 5: rolled down the window of my Ford to pay the parking garage fee, and then the window wouldn't go back up again.
Strike 6: it was -2 degrees (I did end up finding a service station where they were able to get the window up)
Strike 7: I drove 2 hours back to Hudson, WI, met my coworker, and then spent another 5 hours in the car to drive to Milwaukee
Strike 8: I reserved 2 rooms. They only had 1 under my name (luckily, this was also fixed)
Strike 9: I ordered a Caesar salad from room service, and they put 2 whole anchovies on it. It's now a fishy nightmare, so it looks like I won't be eating dinner tonight
Strike 10: I'm SO terribly nauseous and shaky. All I can do is lie in bed and chan scan. However, I need to work. I won't, but the guilt is there.

The only good things about today are that I made it everywhere safely, and I brought my heating pad and sequential compression booties. Score 3 for me.

Gawk, I hope I feel ok tomorrow.

Last clinical trial appointment and a new drug....

It kind of all started with this article that was posted by a friend of mine in my facebook group:

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/11/131108153524.htm

So, you look at those numbers and you start to weight the odds.  5 people really isn't many, but you have to admit that the results are intriguing.  I had made a note to discuss with Dr. F when I had my next appointment, but he actually called me the week after this was posted and asked me if I wanted to try it.

This made me happy because that means he's truly current with what's going on out there (not that I really had any doubts about this one, but still nice to have some confirmation) and that he's truly looking out for me when things like this come up!  I researched what I could find about the drug, and the side-effect profile is really low, so I figured "why not"?

My first infusion was last the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.  Everything went really well...completely uneventful.

As part of this visit, I had my last official clinical trial appointment for the study I've been participating in.  I was also able to get some labs done...here are the results:

Potassium:  3.4mmol/L (this would explain the AWFUL leg cramps I've been having)
Creatinine:  1.6mg/dL
eGFR:  36
Albumin:  1.5g/dL (yep, still swollen)
Protein:  12000mg (predicted, as it wasn't a 24-hr collection)

It's good to have some baseline numbers to see if this drug will work.  The plan is to do an infusion on day 1, day 15, day 30, and then once a month after that.  I have another infusion tomorrow morning.

Since this is an immunosuppressive drug, I need to be a bit more careful again.  It's been awhile since I've been on one, and I forgot how they can make me feel.  Drained is a pretty good word.  And I've instantly gotten sick....no idea what this will turn into but it feels pretty darn crappy right now.  I'm really worried as I never had time (or kept forgetting) to get a flu shot, so I'm terrified.

What sucks more is that I KNOW I need to rest, yet I can't.  I have to drive to Mayo tomorrow for  my infusion, then drive back to work, pick up a co-worker and drive to Milwaukee for 2 days of business plan planning and presentations.  I'm not up for it.  I just want to lie down.  And these next few days will do nothing in the way of helping me get better.  What's worse is that I truly don't believe my employer understands the precariousness of my health, nor do I think they care all that much.

I miss working for my former employer.  They were with me the entire time through this diagnosis, and they completely understood and supported me.  You don't realize how truly wonderful and stabilizing that is until you no longer have it.

Everything seems like one big chore right now, and I just don't have the energy to get it all done.....wish me luck over the next few days that I don't get sicker.

Not much to say

I haven't posted anything since September 4.  Wow.  That's probably the longest since I began this blog.

Honestly, I haven't had much to say.  Nor have I had the energy to even write.

Life is coasting along as it always has....I'm tired and swollen, so nothing new there.

I'm still tired of weighing more than I should.  I have spells where I start working out...I'm in one now, but who knows how long it will last.  I'm so very limited with what I can do.  The cyst on my hip is immensely painful, so I've lost the ability to even do the elliptical machine right now.  The only thing that doesn't cause me pain is yoga.  We've cleaned out a nice portion of the basement now, and I got a super-cushy mat and a couple of space heaters, so hopefully I can do more yoga at home now.  I'm motivated right now....

We were planning this amazing fundraiser for Nephcure at the Mall of America.  It was going to be an all-you-can ride event at Nickelodeon Universe.  Sadly, not enough people care so we had to cancel it.

Man, I'm down.  I mean, really down right now.  But at the same time, I know that I don't have it as bad as others, and this fact was cemented a couple of weeks ago when a friend was dealt a pretty serious diagnosis.  My friend, Kristin, also has FSGS.  She was actually the reason I started the "FSGS and Pregnancy" group on Facebook, as she's the first woman I knew that had FSGS and also wanted to get pregnant.  Anyway, a couple of weeks ago she was diagnosed with breast cancer.  As if it's not bad enough to have FSGS, she has cancer.  And to make the situation even more serious, she's 20 weeks pregnant.  But Kristin is a fighter, with an amazing zest for life, and is putting all of her energy into making sure that Harkin (which is the lovely name that she and her husband have chosen) is priority number one in this battle.  She's got a tough road ahead...she's already had surgery and is awaiting the start of chemo, but she is incredible.  There's no doubt in my mind that she's going to get through this, and have a healthy baby at the end.  If you'd like to follow her story, she's blogging at http://pregnantpinkwarrior.blogspot.com/.

Let the funk begin

I wish I was referring to a type of music, yet I'm not.

I'm down in the dumps.  Feeling blue.  Anxious.  Below the line.  Drowning in my own sorrow.  Wallowing in pity.

I think you get the idea.

Yet I have no idea what to do about it.

I took a vacation day to hang out with Izzy since she's starting kindergarten tomorrow, and I feel like I let her down.  You see, I had a GREAT win at work today....I was feeling really great, but it's amazing how one conversation can completely ruin it all.  I won't go into details...needless to say I was completely distracted after that.  I made Izzy wait for me to finish working (on our day off), and then spent the rest of the day ruminating about said conversation.  And she was so very patient with me...such a sweetie, really.

I wish I had that magic switch to just turn things like this off, but I'm apparently short on those parts.  This shit GETS to me...I mean REALLY gets to me.

I'm having horrible body self-image issues right now...the only good thing about summer coming to a close is that I can wrap myself up in sweaters again to hide it all.  I know...I know...I have health issues, but that doesn't make me any happier or Ok with the way I look.  I KNOW that I need to work out more, yet I'm tired.  Stupid tired.  I do eat pretty well, but there's always room for improvement, but that takes time, and planning, and hence we're back at "tired".

I hate that word now....TIRED.  Absolutely hate it.

Apparently, my neighbor overheard Izzy singing a little song...it went something like this:

"I'm fat....I'm fat"....

Yeah, I apparently suck at parenting in this regard as well.  I'm on my way to raising a daughter that's as worried about this shit as I am, and I KNOW I don't want that for her.  I absolutely MUST stop bashing myself in front of her, but I know I'll still do it internally.  Can a therapist fix that?  Can a therapist ever make me feel OK with myself?

I have no point in this post, really.  I just have a horrible knot in my stomach and a tightness in my chest right now, and I thought that if I wrote this out, that I would feel better and be able to sleep.  Fingers crossed that it works.